A Blonde....

Here is a joke about a blonde - found on none other than... find out at the bottom! :)

She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.

In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every American state. It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.

A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight!

Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,
"It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is."

Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked,
"Ok, how about Arizona?"

The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer,
"A"!

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http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/blonde-jokes.htm

Good Jokes

Please remember to check out the website at the bottom of this page for more great jokes and humor.

1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

3) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'

'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

4) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

5) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'
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http://guy-sports.com/jokes/good_jokes.htm

You'll Enjoy...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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Email Forward

I Like Monkeys

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.  I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each.  I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth.  I bought 200.  I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I let one drive.  His
name was Sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact, none of them were really
bright.  They kept punching themselves in their genitals.  I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.  They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died.  No apparent reason.  They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.  That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber.  I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them.  Little did I know my bed was flammable.  I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom.  I severely beat one of my monkeys.  I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates.  I told him that I had a wet
one.  He couldn't take that one either.  I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them out as Christmas gifts.  My
friends didn't know quite what to say.  They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates.  So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys.
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http://people.redhat.com/blizzard/monkeys.txt

Various Jokes You Will Love

These are some various jokes from TheJokeYard.com, I hope they float your boat!

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
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Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
----
What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me im going in!
----
Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
3 Stone !
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What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger
----
Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
----
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.
----
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".
----
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
----
I hope you enjoyed this blog post, please make sure you go to TheJokeYard.com to check out some more hilarious jokes.
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Humorous Quotes

Top 5 quotes from a page I just stumbled upon, link to the site is at the bottom as usual.

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."
---Unknown

"Anyone seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life."
---Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
---Mae West

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
---Groucho Marx

"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
---Neil Kinnock
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http://smiley963.tripod.com/humorous.html

My Girlfriend...

<@cripwalker> my girlfriend is so fucking cool.
<@cripwalker> we were arguing in IM last night about techtv being lame since g4 took over.
<@cripwalker> she thinks its better now that theres more "pretty" people on it.
<@cripwalker> that filter girl is, like, her idol.
<@cripwalker> anyway, i wasn't giving up. i really believe that channel to be a lost cause, now.
<@cripwalker> so she says to me "i'm gonna come over there and beat some sense in to you"
<@cripwalker> then she logs out.
<@cripwalker> about 10 minutes later, she pulls up in her car, runs into the house, walks in like she owns the damned place, and punches me hard as hell in the arm. no hello, or nothing.
<@cripwalker> then she leaves. didn't even say goodbye. i was totally speechless.
<@cripwalker> sure enough, 10 minutes later she logs back on.
<@cripwalker> she says "i knew you'd see things my way."
<@cripwalker> then she asks if she can come over to watch tv...
<@cripwalker> i'm sooo gonna marry her!
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http://qdb.us/48894

Louisiana Criminal

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

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http://www.ahajokes.com/dum10.html

Loads of Jokes

Here are loads of jokes, absolutley loads of them. So many jokes that you will wet yourself at the end.

Why does Sardarji have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
----
What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

----
Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok

Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan

Interviewer : Good... Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Bad.... Put it Down

Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad

Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don't take my seat

Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my seat

Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in

Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You appoint me

Interviewer : ....!!!!!!!
----
Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
----
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
----
Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ?
Mind u - it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.

I hope you enjoyed this fine display of jokes presented by this comical page.

World's Funniest Joke

The world's funnies joke, as voted by thousands of people on an internet research website was revealed to be the joke below. Let's see if you agree shall we!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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Submitted by Gurpal Gosall, of Manchester, England.

Car Accident Reports

Here is another preview from the website RinkWorks, I can say that I am not affiliated with them, but that they have a lot of viewers stumbling them and this is the reason why there site may be posted here a few times. I will try to vary the content from sites I see though :D Anyway, here's my top 10 of the list.

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
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Full article here.

Advice For Anyone Moving To Texas

Here is the first 5 in the list, some of them are funny and some of them won't tivkle your funny bone. But overall, it's a good read.

1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use  it.

2.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can.  Just  stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
the cab of  a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along  shortly.  Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their
way.
This is  what  they live for.

4.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5.  Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's"  is  plural possessive.
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Full List Here

My Hobby:

Hilarious images by none other than XKCD.com






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http://www.XKCD.com

Patient Charts (Dumb Doctors)

Here's the top 10 Doctor notes from a whole list of them - go to the bottom of the post to visit the list. And don't forget to stumble it.

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"The patient refused an autopsy."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

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http://www.rinkworks.com/said/patients.shtml

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

Jenna says: I
Jenna says: l
Jenna says: o
Jenna says: v
Jenna says: e
Jenna says: y
David says: C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
Jenna says: what the **** is your problem?
Jenna says: why do you always do that?

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http://qdb.us/date/20070327

Girls are Evil!

Well this little gem involves some clever maths and logic. Hope you enjoy!


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http://www.msxnet.org/humour/

Some guy pranks a Telemarketer.

A "Policeman" fools a telemarketer into thinking he is a suspect for a murder. Hope you enjoy the listen, and sorry if the plater automatically started.

Some of the funniest one-liners!

Here is 10 of the 101 ways to annoy people. To see the full list go to the bottom of the post. I hope this made you laugh!

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

88. Sing along at the opera.

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Remember to check out the full list!

Count Me In

Ha! If this wasn't done as a joke then the mental asylum that allowed him to do this should be sued for giving false hope.

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http://www.starland.com/

The Ultimate Best Man Speech

I StumbledUpon this video, it made me laugh a little and the crowd who was there absolutley to tears. Enjoy!


Ultimate Best Man Speech - The best home videos are here

You can view the full size version here

Funny Caution Sign

You may have seen this picture before - it's been going around the internet for a while now.


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http://www.reallyfunnypictures.co.uk/

Here are a select few of the funniest monopoly cards:




To view the rest of the first page and get links to lots more go to:
http://www.dribbleglass.com/monopoly/

Funny Comic Strip

Funny and true at the same time. It's actually funny the way you can't say anything as a joke anymore. I'm sure I'd get arrested if I went up to a muslim and said "And could I have a face for that beautiful name"
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http://www.iranian.com/Satire/

Court Room Quotations

If you want to read the full list the link to the full page is at the bottom of the post.

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
• Witness: "I only have one, you know."

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• Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
• Witness: "By death."
• Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

---

• Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

---

• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
• Witness: "July 15th."
• Lawyer: "What year?"
• Witness: "Every year."

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http://rinkworks.com/said/courtroom.shtml

The Ultimate Rejection Letter

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

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http://www.chaosmatrix.org/library/humor/reject.html