Simple Joke

Today's joke is a simple joke, because Stumbling today I didn't find much to my surprise, so here is a joke which I have heard before.

How do you get a fat person to sleep with you?

Piece of cake!

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Sorry if this offended you, but it is a joke, and is to be taken with humor

Damaged Car

Hilarious joke, and it was probably a woman driver!

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!"

Long Hard and Pink

Hilarious joke with none other, than infamous "Johnny"

"Today in class", said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher. "Were going to play a guessing game".

"Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good". Little Susie raised her hand. "its a lemon!" "No I'm sorry its a banana but I'm glad to se your thinking"

"Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees ". Little Fred says "Its a ball, "No its a apple but I'm glad to see your thinking".

Little Johnny stands up and says "I got one, ok it long and hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket." "JOHNNY!" "That's inappropriate."
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http://www.afunworld.com/school-jokes/joke-151.htm

"It's a pencil but I'm glad to see your thinking."

Marriage Counselling...

I hope you enjoy this joke, it's not the funniest I have stumbled, but it did me laugh.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly
sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
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http://www.jokes2go.com/jtoday.html

Sorry I didn't give you your daily dose of laughter yesterday. But I'm back today with a joke which will surely make you laugh!

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
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http://iteslj.org/c/jokes-long.html

Wise Words

A set of one liners found on our partners website Time-Waster.co.uk

Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

don't rush me. i get paid by the hour.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you do not make dust, you eat dust

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day

Witty One-Liners

The following is the first ten witty one liners in a whole list of them, to see the full list, check the bottom of the page.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
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http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/jkshort.html

40 Things You'd Love To Say At Work

I just love this list, it really made me laugh, I hope it does for you too!

1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13 I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24 Do I look like a people person?

25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36 Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38 I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.

39 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40 Oh I get it... like humour... but different.
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http://www.funny-haha.co.uk/Joke.asp?J=970