StumbleThru Laughter

Simple Joke

2007-11-08T18:13:00.000Z

Today's joke is a simple joke, because Stumbling today I didn't find much to my surprise, so here is a joke which I have heard before.

How do you get a fat person to sleep with you?

Piece of cake!

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Sorry if this offended you, but it is a joke, and is to be taken with humor

Damaged Car

2007-11-07T17:21:00.000Z

Hilarious joke, and it was probably a woman driver!

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!"

Long Hard and Pink

2007-11-06T21:35:00.000Z

Hilarious joke with none other, than infamous "Johnny"

"Today in class", said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher. "Were going to play a guessing game".

"Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good". Little Susie raised her hand. "its a lemon!" "No I'm sorry its a banana but I'm glad to se your thinking"

"Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees ". Little Fred says "Its a ball, "No its a apple but I'm glad to see your thinking".

Little Johnny stands up and says "I got one, ok it long and hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket." "JOHNNY!" "That's inappropriate."
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http://www.afunworld.com/school-jokes/joke-151.htm

"It's a pencil but I'm glad to see your thinking."

Marriage Counselling...

2007-11-04T10:37:00.000Z

I hope you enjoy this joke, it's not the funniest I have stumbled, but it did me laugh.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly
sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
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http://www.jokes2go.com/jtoday.html

2007-11-03T11:39:00.001Z

Sorry I didn't give you your daily dose of laughter yesterday. But I'm back today with a joke which will surely make you laugh!

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
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http://iteslj.org/c/jokes-long.html

Wise Words

2007-11-01T20:20:00.000Z

A set of one liners found on our partners website Time-Waster.co.uk

Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

don't rush me. i get paid by the hour.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you do not make dust, you eat dust

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day

Witty One-Liners

2007-11-01T20:16:00.000Z

The following is the first ten witty one liners in a whole list of them, to see the full list, check the bottom of the page.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
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http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/jkshort.html

40 Things You'd Love To Say At Work

2007-11-01T20:13:00.000Z

I just love this list, it really made me laugh, I hope it does for you too!

1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13 I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24 Do I look like a people person?

25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36 Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38 I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.

39 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40 Oh I get it... like humour... but different.
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http://www.funny-haha.co.uk/Joke.asp?J=970

A Blonde....

2007-10-31T19:24:00.000Z

Here is a joke about a blonde - found on none other than... find out at the bottom! :)

She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.

In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every American state. It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.

A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight!

Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,
"It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is."

Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked,
"Ok, how about Arizona?"

The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer,
"A"!

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http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/blonde-jokes.htm

Good Jokes

2007-10-30T16:12:00.000Z

Please remember to check out the website at the bottom of this page for more great jokes and humor.

1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

3) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'

'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

4) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

5) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'
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http://guy-sports.com/jokes/good_jokes.htm

You'll Enjoy...

2007-10-29T16:46:00.000Z

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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Email Forward

I Like Monkeys

2007-10-29T16:35:00.000Z

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.  I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each.  I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth.  I bought 200.  I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I let one drive.  His
name was Sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact, none of them were really
bright.  They kept punching themselves in their genitals.  I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.  They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died.  No apparent reason.  They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.  That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber.  I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them.  Little did I know my bed was flammable.  I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom.  I severely beat one of my monkeys.  I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates.  I told him that I had a wet
one.  He couldn't take that one either.  I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them out as Christmas gifts.  My
friends didn't know quite what to say.  They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates.  So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys.
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http://people.redhat.com/blizzard/monkeys.txt

Various Jokes You Will Love

2007-10-28T18:38:00.000Z

These are some various jokes from TheJokeYard.com, I hope they float your boat!

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
----
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
----
What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me im going in!
----
Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
3 Stone !
----
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger
----
Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
----
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.
----
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".
----
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
----
I hope you enjoyed this blog post, please make sure you go to TheJokeYard.com to check out some more hilarious jokes.
----

Humorous Quotes

2007-10-28T18:31:00.001Z

Top 5 quotes from a page I just stumbled upon, link to the site is at the bottom as usual.

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."
---Unknown

"Anyone seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life."
---Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
---Mae West

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
---Groucho Marx

"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
---Neil Kinnock
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http://smiley963.tripod.com/humorous.html

My Girlfriend...

2007-10-28T12:45:00.000Z

<@cripwalker> my girlfriend is so fucking cool.
<@cripwalker> we were arguing in IM last night about techtv being lame since g4 took over.
<@cripwalker> she thinks its better now that theres more "pretty" people on it.
<@cripwalker> that filter girl is, like, her idol.
<@cripwalker> anyway, i wasn't giving up. i really believe that channel to be a lost cause, now.
<@cripwalker> so she says to me "i'm gonna come over there and beat some sense in to you"
<@cripwalker> then she logs out.
<@cripwalker> about 10 minutes later, she pulls up in her car, runs into the house, walks in like she owns the damned place, and punches me hard as hell in the arm. no hello, or nothing.
<@cripwalker> then she leaves. didn't even say goodbye. i was totally speechless.
<@cripwalker> sure enough, 10 minutes later she logs back on.
<@cripwalker> she says "i knew you'd see things my way."
<@cripwalker> then she asks if she can come over to watch tv...
<@cripwalker> i'm sooo gonna marry her!
__________________
http://qdb.us/48894

Louisiana Criminal

2007-10-28T12:42:00.001Z

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

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http://www.ahajokes.com/dum10.html

Loads of Jokes

2007-10-28T09:29:00.003Z

Here are loads of jokes, absolutley loads of them. So many jokes that you will wet yourself at the end.

Why does Sardarji have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
----
What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

----
Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok

Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan

Interviewer : Good... Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Bad.... Put it Down

Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad

Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don't take my seat

Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my seat

Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in

Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You appoint me

Interviewer : ....!!!!!!!
----
Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
----
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
----
Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ?
Mind u - it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.

I hope you enjoyed this fine display of jokes presented by this comical page.

World's Funniest Joke

2007-10-28T09:21:00.001Z

The world's funnies joke, as voted by thousands of people on an internet research website was revealed to be the joke below. Let's see if you agree shall we!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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Submitted by Gurpal Gosall, of Manchester, England.

Car Accident Reports

2007-10-28T09:12:00.000Z

Here is another preview from the website RinkWorks, I can say that I am not affiliated with them, but that they have a lot of viewers stumbling them and this is the reason why there site may be posted here a few times. I will try to vary the content from sites I see though :D Anyway, here's my top 10 of the list.

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
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Full article here.

Advice For Anyone Moving To Texas

2007-10-27T19:14:00.000+01:00

Here is the first 5 in the list, some of them are funny and some of them won't tivkle your funny bone. But overall, it's a good read.

1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use  it.

2.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can.  Just  stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
the cab of  a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along  shortly.  Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their
way.
This is  what  they live for.

4.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5.  Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's"  is  plural possessive.
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Full List Here

My Hobby:

2007-10-27T18:46:00.000+01:00

Hilarious images by none other than XKCD.com

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http://www.XKCD.com

Patient Charts (Dumb Doctors)

2007-10-27T18:34:00.000+01:00

Here's the top 10 Doctor notes from a whole list of them - go to the bottom of the post to visit the list. And don't forget to stumble it.

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"The patient refused an autopsy."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

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http://www.rinkworks.com/said/patients.shtml

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

2007-10-27T18:30:00.000+01:00

Jenna says: I
Jenna says: l
Jenna says: o
Jenna says: v
Jenna says: e
Jenna says: y
David says: C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
Jenna says: what the **** is your problem?
Jenna says: why do you always do that?

_________________________________
http://qdb.us/date/20070327

Girls are Evil!

2007-10-27T15:59:00.001+01:00

Well this little gem involves some clever maths and logic. Hope you enjoy!

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http://www.msxnet.org/humour/

Some guy pranks a Telemarketer.

2007-10-27T15:44:00.000+01:00

A "Policeman" fools a telemarketer into thinking he is a suspect for a murder. Hope you enjoy the listen, and sorry if the plater automatically started.